SAN ANTONIO -- The past two days were a good distraction from the drudgery of the horrible suburbs. The bike is still holding most of the 12 kilos of the sticky mud that washed over the concrete from the weekend's rain.
The Leon Creek Greenbelt is astonishingly nice for this horrible, culture-less and lifeless suburb, but its a joke compared to what one may find in the civilized world.
When I was in New York, I had pictures to post every day, I always had something to write about. Here, not so much. Every day is the same.
I try not to bitch about it too much because no one dragged me here, no one forced me. Hell, it seemed like a good idea to leave New York City. It wasn't of course. My leaving involved a Swiss girl for the most part, and probably some other excuses. The move was only meant to be temporary, but three years later I'm still here. The job I started in July gets worse every day -- I never worked with such petty, unprofessional, immature and clearly self-serving people anywhere. I'm sure one of those idiots is monitoring this and three months from now some complaint letter or "report" will surface, detailing every word of this. By then this will be a memory and I'll have to go back to read what they mean.
I'm sure it's some sort of subconscious thing, but it seems every attempt or means to return to NYC is derailed or something comes up.
Today was pretty fun, but I think my standards for fun have lowered, or maybe I'm so used to the boredom that anything is exciting. I think a move will help, but there is more to the story (and I'm going to get into the details) and it's more than just signing a lease somewhere.
The job thing, oh yes, the job thing. I lost count at how many times I sent a resume and cover letter -- changing it for each job -- to some distant place for a photographer job. I sent the things but I really don't think anything will come of them. Maybe that is part of it, maybe I need to be more positive.
One of my excuses for not moving (other than the more important aspect above) is the "what if" I'm hired elsewhere and have to break a lease. Also, I don't want to settle here, I don't want to just give up and commit myself to a life of not living, but just waiting to die. There is no life here, no culture, no personality. Nothing.
Maybe it's unfair to compare Austin and San Antonio to New York City. I don't care, I'm doing it anyway. Looking back, the best two years of my life were in NYC and I really need to get back. Leaving is easy, returning is difficult.
For a while, I was shooting a lot of film pictures. Some of them were panoramic pictures from an awesome camera that shoots 360-degree panoramic pictures, spinning on a handle and powered my a mechanical drawcord-powered device. I shot pictures with the Soviet Leica copy Dave gave me when I left NYC (It's my favorite camera) as well as the two Nikon n90s's I have (they both have the MB-10 battery/vertical grips with lithium AAs).
The past two days, I carried a digital SLR with me so I don't add to my film developing pile. I prefer film and film cameras for a number of reasons. I'm neither anti-digital nor afraid of technology, I just prefer how the cameras work. I don't know, maybe if I had a Leica M9 and a new Mac laptop I would think differently about digital.
One unchanging law of the universe is your camera matters about as much as your bike or guitar. As long as they work (ok, a broken camera isn't as good as a working one). An artist or professional can get whatever tools to work, finding the weaknesses and strengths and make magic.
I think there are many suburban wedding photographers and fans of HDR and photos of cameras and American flags who would argue that their new pedestrian, disposable plastic piece of shit of the week camera makes their crappy photos better. Look at Flickr for plenty of proof of that.
I just need to get out of here. It doesn't matter. Maybe I can just go to the airport, get on the first plane to wherever isn't here and just not worry about it any more.